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Arceus, the Alpha Pokémon. Or, more accurately, the Pokémon equivalent of God. Yeah. You know your legendaries have jumped the shark when...
Script
[Enter Keith. Enter exam. Suddenly, the set becomes the top screen of a DS displaying a Pokémon battle. This music begins to play.]
Wild ARCEUS appeared!
Go, MACHIAVELLI!
MACHIAVELLI used APPEAL!
MACHIAVELLI put on an air of virtuousness in an attempt to pacify enemy ARCEUS!
Enemy ARCEUS used JUDGEMENT!
Enemy ARCEUS found the works of MACHIAVELLI to be heretical and has ordered them to be banned!
MACHIAVELLI's Attack and Special Attack sharply fell!
MACHIAVELLI used VIRTÙ!
MACHIAVELLI has ordered the brutal arrest, torture, and murder of a lesser enemy of the state to strike fear into the heart of enemy ARCEUS!
But, it had no effect!
Enemy ARCEUS used PUNISHMENT!
Enemy ARCEUS has turned MACHIAVELLI's name into a derogatory adjective!
MACHIAVELLI fainted!
Use next philosopher? (Yes)
Go, TOMHOBBLIN!
TOMHOBBLIN used DOUBT!
TOMHOBBLIN questioned the existence of enemy ARCEUS based on the unreliable nature of secondhand accounts of personal revelations!
Enemy ARCEUS used POKE!
Enemy ARCEUS gave TOMHOBBLIN a light prod to confirm that it does, in fact, exist!
It's super effective!
TOMHOBBLIN used SOVEREIGN POWER!
TOMHOBBLIN has convinced the nation to give up their rights to an unquestionable absolute sovereign in order to do battle with enemy ARCEUS!
Enemy ARCEUS used JUDGEMENT!
Enemy ARCEUS banned every work ever written by TOMHOBBLIN or his pre-evolved form, HOBBES!
Fearing excommunication, the people of the nation have abandoned their absolute sovereign!
TOMHOBBLIN used KINGDOM OF DARKNESS!
TOMHOBBLIN argued that the church of enemy ARCEUS is founded on ignorance and misinterpretation and as such should be rejected!
Enemy ARCEUS's Special Defence fell!
Enemy ARCEUS used PUNISHMENT!
TOMHOBBLIN was forbidden from publishing any other works in England on the subject of social philosophy!
TOMHOBBLIN left to resume publishing in Amsterdam!
Use next philosopher? (Yes)
Go, LOCKEOT!
LOCKEOT used RIGHT TO REVOLT!
LOCKEOT, based on previous imperilments at the hands of the Pokémon Trainer such as the battle against DEOXYS, as well as his near impossible odds of victory against enemy ARCEUS, has determined that the Pokémon Trainer has lost his legitimacy as a ruler and as such may be opposed with force!
The Pokémon Trainer used APPEAL!
The Pokémon Trainer reminded LOCKEOT that by joining enemy ARCEUS, LOCKEOT would be supporting a god other than the Christian God!
Enemy ARCEUS used APPEAL!
Enemy ARCEUS argued that LOCKEOT's Letters Concerning Toleration permit all religions apart from atheism!
LOCKEOT fled to the Netherlands to re-evaluate his philosophy in light of these new concerns!
Use next philosopher? (Sure...)
Go, MILTON!
MILTON used JEREMIAD!
MILTON began loudly complaining about the moral decay of society!
Enemy ARCEUS used PARADISE LOST!
Enemy ARCEUS questioned MILTON's status as a true philosopher!
What's this? MILTON is evolving… right in the middle of a battle!
All right! MILTON evolved into the glitch philosopher MILTONNO.!
MILTONNO. ü5èd OLDE ENGLISH¡
MILTONNO. iиførmèD enemy ARCEUS øf thè Readie and Easie Way to Establish a Free Commonwealth!
Enemy ARCEUS used OXFORD DICTIONARY!
Enemy ARCEUS literally threw the book at MILTONNO. for his archaic spelling and glitched dialogue!
MILTONNO. fain¥op}al«s¥~
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93 ERROR.
Use next philosopher? (Shoelace)
Go, HUME!
…
I said go, HUME!
HUME reminded the Pokémon Trainer that cause and effect relationships are never certain, and as such he cannot assume that HUME will attack as soon as he yells "Go, HUME!"
Enemy ARCEUS used COMMON SENSE!
Enemy ARCEUS argued that one cannot hope to live a normal life if one must question the logical validity of every individual action that they take!
HUME agreed with enemy ARCEUS!
HUME used CONVENTION!
HUME argued that the best way to catch enemy ARCEUS can only be discovered through a long process of trial and error!
Enemy ARCEUS used JUDGEMENT!
HUME's years of atheism have finally caught up with him!
HUME fainted!
Use next philosopher? (Do you really have to ask?)
Go, ADAMSMITH!
ADAMSMITH used DIVISION OF LABOUR!
ADAMSMITH summoned MONTESQUIEU and ROUSSEAU to fight alongside him!
MONTESQUIEU used SPIRIT OF THE LAWS!
MONTESQUIEU argued that the "divine" laws of enemy ARCEUS cannot apply universally as conflict with the different "animating spirits" of different societies is inevitable!
Enemy ARCEUS's Special Attack sharply fell!
ROUSSEAU used FORCED FREEDOM!
ROUSSEAU argued that enemy ARCEUS is born free, but everywhere it is in chains, and the only way to break free is through giving up its self-interest in favour of the general will of the community!
Enemy ARCEUS used APPEAL!
Enemy ARCEUS argued that it exists in the state of nature, something that ROUSSEAU thought impossible to return to!
ROUSSEAU joined enemy ARCEUS!
ADAMSMITH used INVISIBLE HAND!
The free market has determined that the economic potential of allowing enemy ARCEUS to remain in the wild outweighs the value of catching it!
ADAMSMITH has left the battle to run a factory manufacturing "I Battled Arceus and All I Got Was This Lousy Pin" souvenirs!
MONTESQUIEU used TROGLODYTES!
MONTESQUIEU summoned a tribe of Troglodytes to attack enemy ARCEUS!
But, all of the Troglodytes were self-interested and had no principles of equity or justice, leading to them competing with each other excessively and killing each other off before reaching the battle!
Enemy ARCEUS used TACKLE!
MONTESQUIEU fainted!
The Pokémon Trainer is out of usable philosophers!
The Pokémon Trainer whited out… whatever that means!
(Enemy?) ROUSSEAU used PITY!
ROUSSEAU asked enemy ARCEUS to aid the Pokémon Trainer!
Enemy ARCEUS used JUDGEMENT!
Enemy ARCEUS took issue with ROUSSEAU's non-theistic "civil religion"!
ROUSSEAU fainted!
GAME OVER
CONTINUE? (Next semester…)
1 comments:
Wow.
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