Michaëlle Got Run Over by a Harper

...sitting in Rideau Hall Thursday eve. You can say they are just reserve powers, but as for me and Dion, we believe.

For a week, it seemed like the opposition parties were going to have a wonderful Christmas. Stéphane Dion was going to get to sit in the big chair in the PMO, Jack Layton was going to finally get a ministerial portfolio, and Gilles Duceppe was looking forward to holding the balance of power. All that was left for Stephen Harper's stocking was a big lump of coalition.

And now the tables have been turned. Harper got his prorogation and has effectively burned the lump of coalition in his fireplace in an attempt to warm his cold, partisan heart. See that black smoke rising from the chimney? That's what's left of Dion's chances of staying on as leader until May, let alone becoming PM.

But you've all heard this story before. I'm effectively just repeating things I've heard on CBC. And here at Maple Glaze, that's a no-no. I strive to tell the stories that aren't being told. In this case, I will be giving a voice to minor parties that have been unjustly ignored in the midst of this constitutional crisis. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the following totally (un)official "statements" from Canada's minor parties.

• Canadian Action Party: "First the US let 9/11 happen. Now Michaëlle Jean has granted Stephen Harper his prorogation. From these events, it is clear to us that the world is currently controlled by a secretive Japanese cabal of computer programmers known only as Game Freak. We need to pull our troops out of Afghanistan and send them to Kyoto immediately!"
• Libertarian Party of Canada: "Listen, we want government out of our lives as much as you do, but do you have to keep spouting that conspiracy nonsense? You're giving us other minor parties a bad name."
• Neorhino.ca: "No kidding. Not even we're that crazy."
• People's Political Power of Canada: "We see the current political crisis as a symptom of continuing male domination in Canadian politics. We need to see more strong women in politics, like Elizabeth May."
• Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party of Canada: "Hey, are you another socialist party? Because you're looking fine, and I think we could definitely hook up."
• People's Political Power of Canada: "See, this is the attitude toward women that we're trying to change...and, no, we're not socialist. (We really need to change our name.)"
• Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party of Canada: "Well, you all can come over to our place and..."
• People's Political Power of Canada: "You do realize our leader is a guy, right?"
• Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party of Canada: "And our leader is a woman."
• People's Political Power of Canada: "..." [cue multiple head explosions]
• First Peoples National Party of Canada: "The current leaders of Canada's major federal parties have demonstrated a remarkable inability to work together. Therefore, we propose a radical idea for reserve reform: move them all up North for a couple of months, and let us take their houses and offices in Ottawa. They may only return after they all have a collective vision quest and smarten up."
• Communist Party of Canada: "We in the Communist Party of Canada regret that we were not invited to join this so-called 'progressive' coalition. It only proves the continuing domination of the capitalists over our society. Workers, it is time to unite and take this country for ourselves!"
• Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist): "Don't listen to those Maoist fools! Lenin's path is the only true way to communism!"
• Communist Party of Canada: "Lenin was a hack. And don't forget that it was your precious Soviet Union sold us out to the capitalists!"
• Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist): "Oh, yes, we forgot how much of a communist utopia China is. Their economy is growing from the blood and sweat of the workers oppressed by the new capitalist class!"
• Work Less Party: "Hey, I think we're all just a little bit stressed out here. I think Harper's set a good example. Parliament's taking some time off, and so should the rest of us. As a matter of fact, I think I need a sandwich."
• Marijuana Party of Canada: "Dude, I have the munchies too. Hey, maybe we should start our own sandwich coalition. You know, we could get the Ham Party, and the Lettuce Party, and some Mayo Québécois..."
• Christian Heritage Party of Canada: "Why are we surrounded by such sin and despair?"
• Western Block Party: "Because Harper's killed the western independence movement. Come on, Dion! You're the only one who can make Alberta angry enough to hold a referendum!"
• Newfoundland and Labrador First Party: "Naw, Harper should stick right where he is, b'y. He'll get the public right mad enough for us to separate ourselves, 'specially since we's after becomin' a have province."
• The real Newfoundland and Labrador First Party: "While we agree with that statement in principle, we would just like to remind everyone reading this that we don't actually speak like that...b'y."
• Progressive Canadian Party: [gets absorbed by the Liberals before they can make a comment]

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel enlightened. This has been Maple Glaze, bringing you only the sweetest news in Canadian politics and waiving all liability for any cases of diabetes that may result.